Time Out is Worthless
In the interest of telling a story I am also going to open a can of worms. Rather, a bucket of worms in the mommyblog-o-world.
Rusty and I don’t practice spanking or swatting as a regular form of discipline. Lots of thought and reflection, as well as the education that comes with having a bachelor’s degree in psychology have gone into making that choice. I think there is a place for swatting young kids, but I don’t plan on doing it regularly, plus, it would probably end up being useless with Norah.
Once I swatted her hand because she was just being a defiant little booger. She glared at me and then continued with her actions. And once I swatted her butt. She was walking toward the street while I was putting the car seat I ran over to her, swatted her butt (not hard) and said “No! We do NOT go into the street without Mama or Daddy!”
It worked that time. She cried for a long time, and for the next thirty minutes would shoot dirty looks at me before crying again. Jasmine was there, and Isaiah too. It was pitiful and a little bit funny. But that’s the extent of our swatting experience. I use other discipline techniques, like positive reinforcement and redirection. Oh, and time out.
I really thought that time out was working ok. Norah has gotten to where she will sit in her corner until I tell her to get up, and usually she stops doing whatever she was doing that put her in time out in the first place.
However, I am losing my faith in the usefulness of timeout. On Monday I was watching Isaiah at my house. He and Norah were playing with those giant Lego things, and he started throwing them at me. I used all the tools I could think of to get him to stop before I lost an eyeball (he throws hard!) but he wasn’t listening. So I took the block from him and put him in timeout. Before I could even turn around Norah ran up behind me, slapped me in the butt and then laughed and sat herself in time out right next to Isaiah!
So I’m thinking that time out is really not that effective with Norah. She thinks its a game: Slap Your Mom and Sit in the Fun Corner
I don’t know what I’m going to do with that girl.
We have not started using time outs with Zachary because everytime Aidan is in time out, Zachary wants to sit down next to him (and copy everything he does during his boredom such as flop down, pick his nose, whatever)!
I am behind you Sadie. I want smart and well adjusted children and corporal punishment is not the way to do it. But hey your deccision not to spank is now proven to be better than corporal punishment. The University of New Hampshire has shown that children that are spanked have Lower IQ’s than those that are not. Here is the report in case anyone is interested: http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2009/sept/lw25straus.cfm
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Time outs can be so frustrating! As a child care provider, I’m not only opposed to corporal punishment; I’m legally prevented from using it. Plus, it’s kind of hard to punish kids for hitting one another if you can’t use the argument “I get mad at you but I don’t hit you, do I?” But all that being said, it can feel really hard sometimes to enforce the rules. Zachary (6) was always really easily redirectable, and though it’s getting trickier as he gets smarter, he hates time outs and they’re a real punishment to him, so they really work. But Ezra (almost 4) and Matilda (19 months) are total bull heads. “No” means “stop if you feel like it, but don’t really concern yourself one way or the other with what I have to say.” Matilda’s favorite thing in all the world is standing on kitchen chairs, ideally then climbing onto the table. So I spend most of my day shouting “On your butt, Matilda! Sit on your butt!” We don’t do time out with her yet, because I don’t think they really get it until they’re about 2, but that means I just spend a lot of time shouting. And when I have put her in a play pen for time out, she just stands up and screams “Mommy!” and sobs. Then I don’t feel like a disciplinarian so much as a terrible, terrible person.
Let me know if you come up with a magical time out solution. Personally, I’m just praying my two will magically transform into people who listen.
i normally wouldn’t comment because i tend to come off as offensive, but garrett, i think that that article you linked to is sort of flakey. i mean, there are so many more variables involved than just spanking that they never addressed in their testing. the total environment that the child lives in (including both home and school life) are factors in IQ testing. and even then, there’s a difference of an average of 5 points initially, and what, 2.8 points 4 years later?
how you choose to discipline your child is your personal business. as for john and i, yes, we will spank jonas as a last resort.
and now, i’m bowing out of the conversation as to not cause any further drama. good day.
Time out just doesn’t work with my son. Come to think of it, neither does grounding. Have I mentioned how apprehensive I am of the teen years? He’s so resistant to the redirections and positive reinforcement, too. Luckily, my daughter isn’t quite as stubborn (yet).
Kendra I love that “I’m just praying my two will magically transform into people who listen.” That’s awesome!
Norah is only 18 months, so I’m thinking she just doesn’t quite get the concept of time out yet. Maybe she will get there, maybe she will continue to think its the fun corner.
Thanks for the comments everyone!
Wendy, you’ll have to understand that Garrett was spanked as a child- Hence the totally unscientific article reference (New Hampshire says he has a low IQ)…
I kid, well not about the article being stupid.
You should comment more often. You certainly haven’t offended me. Nobody asked me, but I believe that spanking is appropriate for certain personalities. I can name several children who I believe would/ could be spanked, within appropriate bounds, and do well with that form of discipline. I think, maybe, it has to be age and development specific. On the flipside I know several kiddos who are spanked for everything and it errods their sense of trust, attachment, and self worth.
Maybe the point is, as you said, it should be saved as a last resort measure rather than spanking your kid for accidently spilling a drink on himself.
i literally laughed out LOUD when i read this. i read it to jj and he thought it was funny too. kids are so funny.
I am lucky that my now 14-year old was (and still is) rather well behaved. Time outs worked for her for the most part. I hardly ever spanked her.
What worked the most was ‘the stare’ (and this worked best from age 5 and up)
If I told her to do something, and she didn’t, I would stare at her until she did it. It was more for me not to repeat myself and nag at her. Granted, one has to have the time to do it, as sometimes I stood there for 5, 10 or 15 minutes with her saying, ‘what? what?’ at me before she got the hint. Occasionally, I would just say: “I asked you to do something.”
I dont believe in hitting either. kids can be so funny!
Haha, sounds like you’ve got a strong little personality with that one. Kids are all so different, it’s amazing how we have to use such different parenting styles with each and every one. Good luck!
~Tabitha
My friend one time swatted her daughter for shoving her younger brother. Her daughter looked at her hand, looked at her brother, weighed the consequences, ran over, hit her brother again and said, Swat my hand, Mama! Sigh. Yeah, the punishments don’t always work …
Haha! Elizabeth that is awesome! Made me laugh out loud…