I only wish this was satire…but this is my life: Carpet Cleaning

November11

I am an awesome dichotomy of depth and insightful-ness and pure bitchy rantings and random-ness. The other day deep and insightful felt like taking a trip to the surface, today… well… buckle up! This one is  weird.

 

My love of carpet cleaning comes in line right before Jesus. If Jesus came down in his glowing fleece diaper and was all, “Hey Jazzy J (cause Jesus is my homeboy) wanna come chill with me, thought I’d show you around heaven all Enoch-style. Wanna hang?” I’d be all, “Well Jesus, sounds awesome but in your all knowing-ness you KNOW it is carpet cleaning day… So NO.” Because I love carpet cleaning THAT much that I would totally turn down Jesus in his glowing fleece diaper. *This is baby Jesus I am referring to, of course. Calm down all you weirdos picturing adult Jesus in a glowing fleece diaper.*

Isaiah’s God-Mother, Tricia, is as bad (if not more) as me about cleaning the carpets. She reserves days off. Like seriously she will be all,”can’t come into work today- gotta clean the carpets.” I REALLY hope she defines that she is ACTUALLY shampooing her carpets, lest her employees believe she has some sort of personal grooming issue that takes a whole day off. I digress.  Garrett and I moved into this awesome house and purchased this awesome house but this awesome house had not so awesome white carpets that don’t look so white.

*Inhale*

So I clean these carpets bi-weekly. I am happy I don’t have a secret camera following my life, and you are too, because you’d think I was ill. The pomp and circumstance that includes the opening ritual of “Carpet Cleaning Day” is something to behold. My poor son? Well, He is just a casualty to the process. I put up a baby gate in our long hall and throw pillows and toys inside. I throw gingerly place Isaiah in the “baby run” and begin my shampooing ritual.  The smell of the shampoo solution and the look of the first strip of gleaming carpet is kind of orgasmic.

Today? Today, folks, is CARPET CLEANING DAY.

YES I DID CLEAN THEM LAST WEEK. Don’t preach at me. It is not an addiction! I can stop whenever I WANT! My super pregnancy nose has lanced out some dog pee (we have a new puppy) behind the couch, so clean I must. What? What is that you ask? Why not SPOT treat the pee stain? Well, because I believe in equality for all carpets. How would the rest of the carpet feel if I didn’t shampoo all of it? Are you freaked out yet? YOU SHOULD BE… because that is how passionate I am about my shampooer. Almost as passionate as I am about cleaning out the fridge- Ask Sadie and Tricia and Connie about that. I kind of go rogue  and determine to clean out other people’s fridge. Never mind if I organize their fridges to fit me….

 Also: Jesus, if you are reading this (which OBVIOUSLY you are- because this blog is THAT hardcore, and you LOVE me that much) I could seriously use a new carpet cleaner. I could *settle* for one of those industrial riding ones. IT doesn’t matter that my front room is less that 700 sq. feet… I will make it work. I can sacrifice- following your example, of course, Jesus.

So right after I post this I am going to turn on Marvin Gaye’s “Lets Get It on”, put up the baby gate, fire up the Bissell, and have a special moment: Just me and my carpet.

Good day Ladies!

posted under Brown
6 Comments to

“I only wish this was satire…but this is my life: Carpet Cleaning”

  1. Avatar November 11th, 2009 at 8:32 am Sadie Says:

    You are some kind of freak.
    Also my carpet needs shampooing too. Not because I am crazy like you, but because I have these weird spots that I’m pretty sure are related to cat bodily fluids. And that’s too gross even for me.
  2. Avatar November 11th, 2009 at 8:09 pm dawn Says:

    fortunately for jj, we only have wood floors in our house or i might be the same way.
  3. Avatar November 16th, 2009 at 8:41 am Jennifer June Says:

    So admirable…
    my floors are lucky if I get around to sweeping them biweekly.

    I would like a carpet cleaner for the dog though…

    http://theladyslounge.com
  4. Avatar November 17th, 2009 at 1:39 pm Meredith Says:

    Awesome. I wish I had even half your motivation to do the same.
  5. Avatar November 17th, 2009 at 8:48 pm dawn Says:

    i was thinking that might sound bad. it would be unfortunate for jj because he can’t help but bring in all kinds of mud and leaves and grime. it’s hard enough to keep the floor swept. if we had carpet, i would end up be frustrated with him all the time.
  6. Avatar November 20th, 2009 at 10:37 am Kendra Says:

    I actually feel a little better now, because we have all wood floors, and I was just eyeing a steam cleaner (on the Tee-Vee!) and was humming to myself thinking about how it even has the little triangular attachment to get behind the toilet–behind the toilet! Where all the pee is! And we would have the cleanest wood floors ever!

    And then I realized I was getting a little out of control. Now I realize I am simply normal. So yay!

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Jasmine Brown and Sadie Perkins have been friends for several years. They are both graduates of John Brown University. They both were born in September, love chocolate, coffee, swearing, and loving on their babies. While they share many commanilites- they are from two different worlds. Sadie, a New Mexico native, grew up in a blended family, while Jasmine, an Oklahoman, grew up with a single parent. Jasmine and Sadie are passionate about being mothers, in different way.  Sadie is the mother of The Norah. Norah is a bright one year old who can clear the room with her vocal stylings.  Sadie swears she can only get pregnant with girls- lest she have to deal with a booger eating boy! Isaiah is Jasmine’s son. He is two years old. He is nicknamed “Toad” because he tends to be well…. toady. Jasmine thinks she is only cut out to mother boys… because, well, she is a Tom Boy herself.

Join these two women  and read about their crazy daily happenings!!!