Packin’ on the Pounds

February12

Yesterday I wrote a note to my two best friends from high school. Neither of them have had a baby yet, and since I am working on Number 2 over here, I like to terrorize them with stories of vomiting and heartburn that singes your nostril hairs and all that horrific tearing of your lady parts. Its a super fun pasttime, and I love being evil.

Yesterday I wanted to share with them the peril of the pregnant pants. The note went a little something like this.

So I just got back from buying another pair of maternity jeans. Don’t ever get pregnant. I mean seriously. Because if you get pregnant like I do then you will go through three completely different sizes of clothing in just nine months. What fits in the beginning is unbearable by 29 weeks and what fit you at 29 weeks laughable at 40 weeks when it takes all your strength just to roll your self out of bed in the morning. And then you will have another nine months after the baby is born to go through three more sizes before you end up somewhere near where you were before you got pregnant. Except that, you will actually be a totally different shape than when before you were pregnant, with parts of your body that are totally foreign and nothing like what you used to call “your hips”. And then, when you get pregnant again, you will realize that while you thought you had lost all the baby weight from the first baby, you are actually a whopping 15 pounds heavier than you were at this time 2 years ago.

You will just never fit into the clothes you used to wear before the babies came and ruined you (and totally stole your heart away and gave your life a bigger meaning, but whatever, none of that has anything to do with your butt, which you accidentally saw naked in the Old Navy fitting room. You might want to just gouge that memory out with a plastic hanger).

I mean sure, maybe you will be the kind of woman who only gains weight in your belly and the rest of stays all fit and firm and glowy. But not me. I gain weight everywhere and especially like to pack the pounds into my neck and JOWLS!

Anyway, I’ve got to go now. I’m going to eat a bean burrito. I want to make sure that the pants I just bought don’t fit me in three weeks.

Loves you!

HAHA! I am an evil, evil person.

posted under Perkins
6 Comments to

“Packin’ on the Pounds”

  1. Avatar February 13th, 2010 at 1:19 pm Jasmine Says:

    Haha! That is awesome.

    BUT look at it this way… you’ve taken up step aerobics. That means some of that weight will melt off, right? Well, as long as you stop the bean burrito munching after the baby is here ;)


  2. Avatar February 15th, 2010 at 6:52 am Meredith Says:

    I’m 3 months post partum, and I’m having a mental crisis about the fact that my baby most certainly did NOT grow in my neck and chin! ;)


  3. Avatar February 15th, 2010 at 6:08 pm Sadie Says:

    HAHA! Meredith…I know the feeling!
  4. Avatar February 17th, 2010 at 3:34 pm linlah Says:

    I wish my face had the memory of my belly. 27 years later my belly still looks better than my face.
  5. Avatar February 17th, 2010 at 10:19 pm Friggin Loon Says:

    Nothing like a reality slap in the face. I came here for a laugh and found you talking “elastic slacks” now I am heading for the comfort food :( See ya!
  6. Avatar March 8th, 2010 at 4:46 pm Kendra Says:

    Well, now that my baby just turned 2 and I have really got to lose the “baby weight”–which after this long is really just fat–I long for the days of eating a bean burrito just because! (Not so much the heartburn and inability to breathe or tie my shoes, though.)

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

Jasmine Brown and Sadie Perkins have been friends for several years. They are both graduates of John Brown University. They both were born in September, love chocolate, coffee, swearing, and loving on their babies. While they share many commanilites- they are from two different worlds. Sadie, a New Mexico native, grew up in a blended family, while Jasmine, an Oklahoman, grew up with a single parent. Jasmine and Sadie are passionate about being mothers, in different way.  Sadie is the mother of The Norah. Norah is a bright one year old who can clear the room with her vocal stylings.  Sadie swears she can only get pregnant with girls- lest she have to deal with a booger eating boy! Isaiah is Jasmine’s son. He is two years old. He is nicknamed “Toad” because he tends to be well…. toady. Jasmine thinks she is only cut out to mother boys… because, well, she is a Tom Boy herself.

Join these two women  and read about their crazy daily happenings!!!