Learning to think about ME
As a child I was very concerned with other people. I still am. I see the same trait in Isaiah and it freaks me out. I tend to take up my grandmother’s mentality as my own: “I am happy as long as those I love are happy.” She taught me that you just take care of people, and therein lies the will of God. I think she is right about that. There is something good about seeking to meet the needs of others. This has meant many years of asking others what they want/need and working very hard to make that happen for them. I don’t do this begrudgingly… I truly find contentment in helping other people get what they need. Just like anything other life maxim, though, this has to be tempered with balance. Balancing this characteristic hasn’t been something I am good at. It has created a really uncomfortable trait in me. It is the same trait my grandma has too. She will make a plate for everyone and forget to eat, buy other’s new clothes and ignore the holes in her own, and things of that sort. I have watched as my grandmother was exploited by folks who didn’t mind taking from her, but wouldn’t pour into her- and, today, I have to safeguard myself from those same kinds of people.
So when it came time to figure out this whole home birth system I had to come to a rock and a hard place. With the medical model of birth you just do what hospital protocol is or what the doctor wants. Although you can make choices on if you receive drugs or not and things like that, you are still put through a system… when I signed up for home birth I found that my midwife and her apprentice started asking me nonsense: “Jasmine- what do you want to make you comfortable…” I swear I answered, “whatever is easiest for you.” She chuffed at me and calmly patted my hand. She explained, “Jasmine. This is ALL about you. Every moment is about what is happening to your body and what you need to facilitate that.” Can I admit that it freaks me the hell out that something is ALL about me? I am not OK with that. Lets talk about YOUR problems, what YOU need, how YOU are doing. My best friends have annoying habits of asking me what I need from them and I rarely have answers. “Uhhhh? Friendship? Make me goulash? I dunno!” Like my grandma, IF I answer their questions I have to admit that I NEED something. This translates into I need other people and can’t do it all by myself! But who has time to admit that! Certainly not ME!
Garrett and I sat down and thought about what we wanted (with the most weight going to what I wanted) and made a game plan. During this time of planning I’ve had to chant to myself, “I will not feel bad about wanting things my way, I will not feel bad about wanting things my way, it is okay that this is about me, it is ok that this is about me.” I don’t know if I will get used to this fact. I don’t know if I will ever get to the point where I can unabashedly proclaim, “Stick sucka! I am doing things how IIIIIIII want them, forget how you feel…” Because the truth is, I care about how people feel (a little too much sometimes), and frequently when I do what I want I second guess myself for weeks afterward. I do the whole, “geez Jasmine, you are selfish and bratty” lecture in my head. But this home birth experience is teaching me how to take care of my personal needs, how to fill myself emotionally so I can better give to others (like Isaiah and Garrett) without being totally drained, and how to receive love and care without feeling guilt.
Pssh! And I thought I was JUST signing up to have my baby at home *guffaw* things are NEVER that simple in my world!
How to receive love and care without feeling guilt… that is a hard one to swallow. I know I suck at it actually. The more I learn about what community is or should be this concept of receiving in addition to giving becomes a little easier to grasp though and actually a desire to embrace, not for selfishness but for participating in a spiritual community.
That is SOOO true. And I will talk about community ALL day, in the sense of my role in it. But when it comes to my role being the one who is brave enough to ask for help (and allow people the opportunity to say no when I ask) I shudder at the thought. Robb Bell talks about that a lot: In order to surrender controlling other people we have to be vulnerable to ask for help- because when we ask for help someone might say no. In one of his sermon’s for Mars Hill he lectured that we don’t ask for help and become internal and self relient because it means we would have to surrender part of ourselves to another person (trusting that people still love you even if they say no when you ask for help) .I hate Robb Bell with his stupid truth! Stupid truthy truth preachers with their knowy knowy-ness…. pssh!
You are worth it babe. Those around you (inlcuding myself) need to get better and meeting your needs without you needing to ask. You do great at meeting needs i didnt even know i had.
I love you! And lowes can suck it.
It is more than just having a baby when you have a baby at home. It’s an experience — an adventure, almost. It’s got the very best reward (a warm, gooey, cuddly, fresh, squishy newborn that makes cute little coos and goos and grows up before your very eyes), too. But yeah, seriously, do what makes YOU happy. What makes YOU feel comfortable? Do YOU need some counterpressure? Do YOU need something good to eat or drink? Do YOU need to climb on the chandlier and hang upside down? (Okay, that one was a bit ridiculous, but I seriously read that somewhere — someone made the comment that they’d be cool catching the baby if the mom wanted to do that, lol! Funny stuff.) You are the one that’s got a very, very important, physically-exerting job to do, so you definitely deserve pampering, comfort, love, and support. There is no “selfish” here.
If you need a little help, here’s an idea: warm water on your lower back during active labor and transition feels sooo nice.
Heh! Thanks Garrett. I wasn’t fishing! PROMISE! And this isn’t a blog post about how people should be thinking about me more, that is for sure!
I DO need you. *nudge nudge*
It has just been so interesting to find out that it is hard for me to admit I actually need people. I like to pretend I am tough shit rather than say I want or need another person… except when it comes to you
I can always depend on you Mer!
We don’t want to discredit other mommas who are doing it different than we are.
Let us not forget too, though, that women who choose to birth in a hospital or center are on an adventure too
Oh yeah, I forgot. Hospital birth (and I’m sure birth center birth) is indeed an adventure. The stories I could tell… lol, that’s why I picked home birth.
It was a better adventure than the orderly who dropped the bedside tray table on my swollen belly (hint: do NOT adjust the tray table while it is over the patient), that’s for sure! Or the perky nurse who was once in the military who was perhaps the most helpful nurse I’ve ever encountered after having a baby. It’s a total grab-bag of adventure having babies! ;D
Congratulations on planning the home birth! I had three C-sections, which is about as unlike a home birth as you can get, so I really look forward to hearing about it.
When asked what I want, I tend to get wrapped up in the terror of giving the “wrong” answer. Because people only ask questions when they already know the answer, right? I worry that I’m not going to say the right thing. (Can you believe *that’s* the music she wants playing during her labor? What a loon!”) But it takes a real confidence and assurance that you know what’s right for you and for this experience to be able to assert those desires, and I’m so glad you have that–and that your home birth team is helping you to discover and articulate those things.
If it’s any consolation, as you worry about making it “all about you,” as soon as that baby comes out, they’ll forget all about you, so you might as well enjoy the last moments of being the center of attention! : )