“I love my husband. The other day he folded all the laundry, put it away, and even did the dishes…I have the best hubby in the world!” Comments like these are typical in the culture I currently live in. The noxious Facebook status updates roll through my feed as I sit at the table and ignore doing the dishes. They drum up this deep annoyance for me. Angst. I was ranting about it to Sadie today. I yelled, “Why in the hell does doing every day egalitarian tasks warrant such adoration?” On the surface I don’t think these things, these acts, should count as “special treatment” for a woman. I think that family duties should be shared… just because I have a vagina does not mean I belong in the kitchen. *fist bump for the feminists*
Truth is.
I’m not really mad about the fact that these women are so moved with joy that their partners did the dishes for them and they are gushing vapidly. I am mad about this deep existential crisis in my heart. I am mad that their lives are so simple. I am mad that my life is so complex, so hard. I am mad that they are so easily pleased by dishes, laundry, and the hour their husbands took the kids. My husband does the dishes, he sweeps the floors, I leave for weekends and he cares for the kids solo, and he wakes up at night to diaper and feed babies while I sleep…. but he is a addict.
Sex addiction is not unlike alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, or food addiction. It is a compulsive drive to act out in an addictive cycle. It involves trauma and shame and is far more stigmatized than other addictions. Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. * Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.
Thank you soooo very much for that completely honest and heartfelt post! I truly admire you for sharing the way you are doing so. It is such a tough topic to talk about and this addiction betrays a spouse in a way that no other addiction does. It is such a challenge!
I am also the wife of a recovering sex addict and I can completely connect with EVERYTHING that you wrote! I have known about his addiction since we were newlyweds and I think the deep pain that he has suffered throughout his life (stemming from childhood abuse & molesting) kept me with him in the beginning. Then his addiction just went under the radar (we were distracted with the newness of having kids) . . . then last year happened and he had a horrible “bender” and I swear he would have died if he didn’t get help.
That time I stayed to see him through therapy for my kids. I wasn’t sure if I was staying but I had to help him get better for my kids. To make a long story short . . . we found him the most incredible therapist (who is a former sex addict himself) and his wife is wonderful at helping me deal with life as it is.
So, the moral of my long comment is that there can be hope! Through this therapy that we both had (which I feel is VERY important to recovery of the relationship) we are actually learning to fall in love again. It’s hard for me to completely trust him, but we talk about that and he has learned to support me. It’s definitely is getting better with time. It has been a crazy ride . . however we are truly happy right now. Happier than we have been in a LONG time!
So, hang in there! I know it’s sooo hard but there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I also have a blog about my journey surviving my hubby’s sex addiction. Check it out . . . I hope it can help!
http://mishkawifeofsexaddict.blogspot.com/
Oh yeah . . and about those women who gush about how much they love their husbands, I have learned things aren’t always what they seem! I think your post is wonderful . . . !!!
{{{{{HUGS}}}} I am so sorry that you have been dealing with all of this. While I don’t know this particular demon, you know that there are plenty of other things I have going on in my world and I do get how hard it is. As intelligent women it is so hard to rectify that feeling of love along with the feeling of repulsion and loss of respect I think.
You know I’m always just a phone call/text/tweet/email away.
Don’t judge your life based on vapid facebook updates. That place is where people go to PRETEND they have a simple life. One friend of mine used to go on all the time about what a sweetheart her hubby was and how much she loved her hubby…then one day she posts that she’s single and divorced.
Wait, what? I thought her page had been hacked. Nope. She was just pretending things were perfect in hopes that they would become perfect. So, I take every happy “I love my spouse because they are the absolute bestest EVAR” posts with a pinch of salt, a dash of lime, and a shot of tequila.
My wife and I went through some really tough times. We pretended everything was alright. Right up until we got divorced. We continued to talk and over time realized what our problem was. We were never honest enough to say “Houston, we have a problem.”. So, here we are several years later, remarried with two kids and happier than ever.
We just had to openly admit to one another that we had a serious problem and were committed to fixing it. Anger is the step after denial. You’re progressing. You’ve acknowledged the problem. Now you both can work together to fix it.
This is the verse that helped me get through the worst times: Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Here’s to hope and your bright new future.
I admire your strength to write this and share with all of us. All of our lives are complex (at least that’s what I tell myself) others simply choose to ignore those complexities and imperfections and, obviously, addictions of their partners. Facebook IS such a vapid place of simplicity and, like you, I get stabby over that simplicity. Like a picture, Facebook is only a snapshot of time where the viewer creates their own story to make sense of it all. Which, in a way, makes it sounds way more important than it is. Heh.
I’m sure you feel betrayed. Who is this person? The person you are supposed to know better than anyone else. Slasher and I have had some very dark times together, but here we are. And if we were no longer “we,” I’d be okay with that too.
Sending lots of light and support. I’m here!
You strong, amazing, fantastic, brave woman.
Some of those women are for real. Their lives are that simple.
Many of them are hurting and pretending because they wish their lives were that simple.
More of us are struggling right along beside you and so grateful for the honestly of those like you – that makes us feel so much less alone.
Sending huge hugs and strength and light.
xx
I was married to an abusive sex addict for 6 years. I recommend getting yourself into counseling, and fast. Set boundaries, decide what you can handle, and only let things go to that point and not beyond. My exhusband was abused horribly, and had glaucoma and was going blind when he started acting out. My sympathy kept me with him, and as a result, I could have contracted AIDS when I was pregnant with our second son and he was secretly having sex with prostitutes in Mexico, coming home and having sex with me, and lying about it. That’s the life of a “recovering” sex addict, right? He “lapses”? Except the lapses can have life-shattering results for you and your babies. Make sure your counselor is helping you with your self esteem issues, your own abandonment, father/mother wound, etc. and codependency, or you are just enabling his addiction as he cycles in and out of it, year after year. You may have to have a celibate marriage until he has proven that he will no longer lapse. A cycle can take a year or more to come full circle – learn the signs. Get into a support group for friends & family of SAs. Make friends with other wives, but also, make friends with normal, healthy women that don’t put up with being cheated on. Regardless of the reason, it’s the way he manages his pain, and if and when he chooses to act out, that matter. You can only control your life- you have to give up the snooping, the coercing, the begging and manipulating him into being better, live your life, raise your kids, and if he doesn’t get help and get himself a new life, one that ears your love again, then he doesn’t deserve it.
I am a recovered codependent that narrowly escaped STDs, HIV/AIDS, and a life of abuse and trauma for myself and my two kids. I live with the love of my life and we plan to get married next year. He was cheated on as well, has two kids of his own, and is the best dad, and best man, I have ever known. My kids’ dad lives nearby and the kids see him regularly, but don’t want us to live together, and don’t like him very much. They are happy with our new healthy, normal life. I wish the same for you, however you come to it.
Haley, Thanks for sharing your story. I have taken the necessary steps to take care of myself. I wasn’t really looking for “advice” as this isn’t a new issue in my life- but I deeply appreciate the passion you have about the subject.
Thank you for your post. I stumbled upon it today while I am having yet anther sleepless night thinking about all of my husbands mistresses, and it has really helped. Thank you for sharing your story. Similar to the annoying facebook updates I try to ignore, I am an Army wife, and am surrounded by women who have to put Proud Army Wife on every aspect of their being, from their t-shirts to car decals to lawn ornaments. It sickens me. There was a time I was one of those proud Army wives, until I found out for 8 of the 14 years I’d been one, my husband was doing a whole lot of crap that nobody would be proud of. Sometimes other people’s happiness can be sickening. And honestly, I’m jealous of it and wish I could have mine back. I’m trying really hard to deal with that. Thanks again!
Thank you for sharing your story MJ.