I get a lot of emails about my post about being married to a sex addict. I get emails telling me to hold on, run away, see a certain therapist, read a certain book, pray, listen to God, ignore God, and so many other things. They are all private messages. They are all messages from people who have been through this, have a parent who went through, or a friend. More people married sex addict than you’d guess.
It can be hard, all the advice and criticism.
Mainly I am trying to listen to my own voice.
People want to know all the time, “what is your life like.”
It is really easy to remove the human from the equation. It is very easy to say, “I am married to a sex addict. What do you think my life is like?!” The true story, however, is that I am married to Garrett, who happens to be a sex addict. When something comes out about a salacious lifestyle it is easy for THAT to be the definition. The reality is that I married Garrett BEFORE I knew what his secret struggle was. I am still married to him today. One day at a time. Being married to a sex addict has the same themes of being married to a typical partner. It includes tackling issues of honesty, trust, mutuality, self worth, extramarital relationships, boundaries, and expectations.
I am not over simplifying things.
These themes are harder and usually end in a heated exclamation when communication gets hard: “Hey! Remember when you had ANOTHER affair!!!” These themes are wrapped in some of the dysfunction that can be the life of an addict.
But.
IF we weren’t discussing the multiple indiscretions we’d still be talking about trust, honesty, and self esteem. These are things all people tackle in relationships. Looking at it from that perspective it makes each day easier to get through. Each moment doesn’t seem so bleak. Hope begins to soak in and I can feel, even just for a slice of a second, like any other woman in any other relationship.
It is easy to get caught up in the big scary jargon of addiction. It is easy to get lost and forget about the boy I met in high school, the boy that grew into a man and became the father of my children. It is easy easy easy to make a person’s mistakes the sum total of their definition. I think this is where forgiveness starts- that place where you realize people are more than their mishaps and moments of self-indulgence- that place where you embrace that the awful dark dark moments are interwoven in moments of absolute love and light. What is my life like? Well, my life is our own personal brand of crazy. I am married to a sex addict, after all.
but
I am married to a person (Garrett) first and a sex addict second.
Jasmine, I just wanted to say how much I love your post, so much in fact this One brought tears to my eyes. Forgiveness is the first step to healing. Even if the only forgiveness comes from within. Thank you again for the inspiration.
Thanks DJ! It is hard stuff…but worth it.
So real. We all have our own addictions. But love and the bond for you and ur family is greater. I love reading post from u Cuzn
Thanks Jenny!
Thanks for your post. It was great to read. I can’t say I am there yet. It’s been 6 months since I found out about 8 years worth of sex addiction, and even while working a 12 program, I feel like every ten minutes I’m trying to decide whether I’m going to throw a frying pan at my husbands head, give him the time of day or just walk out the door for good, but at least I’m making progress. when I first found out, that crazy roller coaster of emotion changed about every thirty seconds. I have so many friends and family that keep trying to tell me what to do. I need to leave. I need to stay. I have to do this to work on it, I have to do that. My parents went through this. My husbands parents did, too. My grandparents lived this. My other grandma had 5 husbands who cheated like crazy and would end up leaving her. It seems to be a vicious family cycle, and no one has ever actually WORKED through it. They usually just keep making the same mistakes or unhappily live like nothing ever happened while bitterness and resentment discolor every aspect of their life. All I know, is I don’t want THAT. I don’t want that legacy left for my 4 kids. I have no idea if I can get past all my husband has done. The many,many, many mistakes he’s made. For the moment, all I know is that my feelings aren’t reliable. Give it a few minutes, I could be cursing myself for writing any of this, lol. But one huge struggle for me is even being able to think about letting my husband back in. Letting him anywhere near my heart. To trust again. To love again. I just don’t know how, anymore. That scares me. It always came so easily before. I hope you figure out what is best for you and your family, and you can move on and find some real peace through all of these circumstances!
I hear you MJ! For me, I could even start to think about “letting him back in” for a long while. It was about me feeling like he was a safe person. For me a safe person is someone who is open with me, honest about behavior, and consistently accountable. That could be years or months or even days- it is up to what consistency feels like to each person. Tomorrow could be a different story. Tomorrow I could say “fuck it!” and walk out. One-day-at-a-time.
“you realize people are more than their mishaps and moments of self-indulgence- that place where you embrace that the awful dark dark moments are interwoven in moments of absolute love and light”
I absolutely love that. You make us all want to be better women. Love you for that.
Thank you so much! I feel like a shit head usually… until someone like you says something so nice.
You are such a beautiful bride!
I am gona pop off my “if you weren’t so beautiful he wouldn’t wana have sex with you all the time” joke…but addiction is not a joke and I think it takes a strong woman to stand by a man’s side and deal with an addiction. I have been with two addicts but their addiction was drugs and I wouldn’t stand for it nor would I let my kids around it.
Finally getting a chance to read your back posts and just blown away with the depth with which you are willing to open up. As far as people wanting to know what it’s like, what is it like being married/partnered to anyone? Sounds like you are following your heart and doing what is right for you and your family and standing in your truth and that is all you can do, besides trusting that it will all be alright.
It was a hard choice to write about this, but I decided that it was important because I don’t see many people talking about these issues so candidly and with such vulnerability. I still freak out about being vulnerable, but most good things have come from writing about this.