I’d like a do over. The end of this year has been horrific.
I feel awful that I am so wracked with pain in light of what those children at Sandy Hook faced. I keep crying. I don’t know a single person who was murdered, but I do know that I feel overwhelmed by the darkness of it all. The pain.
At the same time I feel guilty that am struggling with realities in my life. I feel like I should be so grateful, since I can open the bedroom next to me and see my children napping soundly. I feel like my ability to move passed my husband’s infidelity is trivial compared to what the mother of Adam had to deal with. Pain and violence can put things into perspective, and still I have to wade through the reality of my life.
I just can’t even put words to what I am feeling. I am wrestling with the reality of where my marriage is at. I am struggling to figure out what I believe about the goodness of people and their ability to change, and what I need.
I envy those bastards who are always so certain: “God has a plan” etc etc etc. I think those of us who refuse to embrace that line of thinking have more faith. Because the whole “God has a plan” thing is about certainty. It is an easy line of thinking: Some all-powerful dude has things mapped out, so no worries.
It takes more faith to say “I just don’t know why, I just don’t understand.”
And.
I just don’t.
I am still trying to keep my head above water. I am grieved for the loss of innocence in Sandy Hook, I am grieved for the loss of who I thought I was married to, I am grieved that the world isn’t as it should be.
It’s not fair. None is this is fair and we don’t know why and that all totally and completely sucks. I cannot listen to the stories or look at the pictures about the school because nothing I can do or say or think or hope will change anything at all. And that’s not fair either. It’s hard to keep going when there are zero garuntees that anything will go as planned. We could give up. It does take more effort and love to keep going. But we do. I read a story about a man being chased by a tiger. He ran for a long time and did everything he could to escape. Finally the tiger chased him to the edge of a cliff and he fell. On the way down he grabbed a tree root and held on. Hopin there was still a chance for escape he looked around. Next to him was growing a beautiful strawberry. He picked and ate it. It was the most amazing tasting strawberry he had had.
I just keep my eye out for strawberries and try to hold on just a minute longer.
Well said friend. Well said.
Sometimes life is impossible to understand and we need to focus our energy on surviving. Don’t feel guilty, your pain about the situations in your life is real. If there is a master plan, it is open to change and we control it. Keep working through your emotions. There will be good days, and not so good days. Right now it may seem that the not so good days out number the good ones, but in time that will change. It is not easy, and at times will seem impossible. Rely on your friends and those precious children to get you through. You deserve happiness and it will come.
Thank you so much for the encouragment. You are so kind.