I’d like a do over. The end of this year has been horrific.
I feel awful that I am so wracked with pain in light of what those children at Sandy Hook faced. I keep crying. I don’t know a single person who was murdered, but I do know that I feel overwhelmed by the darkness of it all. The pain.
At the same time I feel guilty that am struggling with realities in my life. I feel like I should be so grateful, since I can open the bedroom next to me and see my children napping soundly. I feel like my ability to move passed my husband’s infidelity is trivial compared to what the mother of Adam had to deal with. Pain and violence can put things into perspective, and still I have to wade through the reality of my life.
I just can’t even put words to what I am feeling. I am wrestling with the reality of where my marriage is at. I am struggling to figure out what I believe about the goodness of people and their ability to change, and what I need.
I envy those bastards who are always so certain: “God has a plan” etc etc etc. I think those of us who refuse to embrace that line of thinking have more faith. Because the whole “God has a plan” thing is about certainty. It is an easy line of thinking: Some all-powerful dude has things mapped out, so no worries.
It takes more faith to say “I just don’t know why, I just don’t understand.”
I just don’t.
I am still trying to keep my head above water. I am grieved for the loss of innocence in Sandy Hook, I am grieved for the loss of who I thought I was married to, I am grieved that the world isn’t as it should be.