I am not a nice person, but I AM incredibly kind. I don’t like the idea of “nice”. I don’t tell my children to be nice, I tell them to be kind. What is nice, anyway? I know what the dictionary definition of nice is, but the social form of “nice” has moved away from the actual meaning.
I think, these days, “nice” means not telling the truth because it might offend someone, not asserting your needs because some people don’t like “abrasive”, and walking on egg shells.
I am not that kind of nice.
I’ve learned, over the years, to censor myself a bit more. I’ve learned to make empathy a priority and to put myself in other’s shoes. For the longest time asserting my needs was so hard for me. I hated feeling like I was hurting someone, inconveniencing someone, or getting in the way. I wanted to be “nice.” That kind of pressure that forces you to ignore your own needs builds resentment. I worked hard, in therapy, to learn how to be assertive without being emotionally violent or aggressive. I learned how to build myself up to a healthy place of emotional entitlement. This is the place where you KNOW that you must take care of yourself and can’t be persuaded otherwise. As a child who was groomed to be responsible for other people, this was a hard task for me.
Years later, I feel such a sense of pride of how well I am learning to take care of myself. Taking care of yourself (and as a parent, by extension your children’s needs) sometimes means you aren’t always “nice”. Sometimes I have to tell people uncomfortable things like, “that doesn’t work for me” ” I can’t dot that for you” or “that is not okay”. It doesn’t feel good to wonder if people think you are “mean” or have people say so blatantly. Sometimes, taking care of your needs means you are going to hurt people’s feelings…and maybe even make them cry. Sometimes you might lose friends, though it stands to reason true and functional friends can hang with you as your learn to negotiate your needs in healthy ways.
I’ve moved beyond the phase of my life where I need to feel like I am a nice person, if being nice means having to compromise my own emotional health.
Do you struggle with being “nice”? What forms has that taken in your life. Do you choose YOUR wellness over the title of “nice”?
Were we sisters in a past life? Or the same person? Sometimes I wonder. Anywho- I totally agree with everything you’ve said. People frequently think I’m not nice (or a bitch) because I tell them the truth instead of what they want to hear or what I think they want to hear. I don’t have time for that. My true friends value my honesty. You have to take care of your needs (and your children’s') first. And if that hurts someone’s feelings then so be it.
It can be so hard in a society that values “nice” people. I feel you, sister!
I use “that is not okay” often. I agree with your definitions of nice & kind. My aim is to be kind. I don’t care if I’m nice.
Good for you Kellee! We have to learn to stand up for ourselves!
Coming out of lurkdom for a quick comment:
There’s a difference between being honest, kind, and a bitch. It’s in the delivery. It’s possible to be completely honest and kind at the same time; you can get the same message across without leaving a string of bodies trailing you.
What does being a bitch look like?
I like the definition that kindness is “the act of being caring or warm in spirit”. Being mindful with words, so that while “helping” others you’re not tearing them down. Being kind is considering others situations, even if they refuse to acknowledge yours. When someone says something that possibly offers honesty, but the delivery is filled with venom, that’s bitchy. Being snarky just to be mean…that’s bitchy. Could it be honest? Yes. But it’s still bitchy.
I agree that you can be firm, honest, and kind. It’s great to create boundaries, letting people that you won’t be walked on. Learning to be kind to yourself is something more need to do.
Great explanation. In the end, too, it can all come down to perception. I’ve been called a bitch when I was being deeply considerate and my tone was misunderstood. I also struggle to be assertive and not aggressive. It is hard to figure out… and other times, I am just an asshole.
Also, I prefer people not use fake email addresses and names when they leave comments. Your I.P. address registers so I am able to locate where the comment is coming from. So if you’d like to continue commenting just make sure you aren’t misrepresenting yourself with false information. Otherwise just put anonymous.
I like his article. Often, nice gets translated into, “I will let everyone walk all over me so I will seem to be a good person.” I don’t want to be that kind of nice. I like the idea of saying no, no thank you and uh-uh when it is in my best interest to do so. So, like you I am going to continue to be kind, nice, the let people walk over me nice, is gone.
How did you get rid of that tendency, Janeane?
This is great! I think that I am considerate, empathetic and kind. Nice is overrated. People often equate niceness with “pushover”, and as the commenter above said, “That is NOT okay”. I’m at the place now where I am constantly being tested because people take my authentic caring for weakness. They soon learn that that is not the case.
I love this article! I must say I concur. It is best to be kind. Nice is subjective. Great article!
Thanks!
Your definition of nice is dead on. I find myself having to revise, and revise, and revise my thoughts a few times, then filter once more to get to nice, so I have perfected being negative and putting a positive spin on it. I find its how you say it, so you can keep your sanity, make sure you’re taken care of and you don’t necessarily crush the person you’re telling no to. Example: when someone asks you, hey can you do this for me? You’ll respond: I would love to help you but I can’t. Things are so crazy right now!
That is the thing, though… why do we feel like we have to qualify it? Why don’t we feel like it is okay to just say no?
I think the connotation of the word “nice” has been used poorly in the past few years. I’ve been labeled a “nice girl” since I was little, and while I am pleasant to be around and love to make others feel comfortable, I am not weak. Weak seems to be a synonym of nice, which is obviously not true. I actually wrote a post about this a few months ago addressing the phrase “nice guys finish last.”
Awesome! Give us a link?
What is interesting is both words have such different feelings when I think about them. I agree, kind is way better than nice. I like you don’t like to sugar coat things, but I believe that telling the truth is the kinder route and being nice to save someone’s feelings isn’t being a true friend.
I totally agree Jenny!!
Patting myself on the back for becoming more assertive over the years. Years ago I had someone in a leadership position say some very condescending things that led to me becoming very introverted and stand-offish for sometime. Thankfully those days are over
It really can be hard to be assertive. It is something I am learning as well.