We married young. It wasn’t like people didn’t tell us it was a bad idea. They did. We didn’t listen. If you know Garrett and me you are nodding your head knowingly right now. We are the kinds who have to figure it out for ourselves. This results, though, in typically good outcomes. Our “can’t nobody tell me nothing” approaches have honed our sense of selves and bolstered our belief in our own power as people. We are leaders because of this characteristic and it was one trait that first drew us to each other
We were just 20, or maybe 19… I can’t remember. Either way, we were in no position to be making life choices like we did. When you are raised in a conservative church like Garrett was and temporarily drinking its Kool-Aid, like I was, you come to believe that marriage IS the pinnacle of existence in community. We wanted to be good Christian kids. Good Christian kids get married. So we got married.
We also got married because we didn’t want to feel sinful about sexytime. But that is another story all together.
We got married on shaky foundation. Both of us had no idea the intense amount of personal traumas we needed to work through. Beyond that, we were still kids. We were as undifferentiated as differentiated could get. That is therapist speak for, we had not learned to fully live our own lives apart from our family of origin. So we signed our marriage certificate and started to piecemeal what we thought marriage was from two very different cultural backgrounds and world views. We mashed that together with how the conservative Christian church taught us we should live. I was rough, because non of it fit us. We didn’t know any better though. He didn’t like being a “spiritual leader” and I sure as hell wasn’t going to “meekly submit”. Have you met me?! That alone could break a couple.
Enter death. Enter unexpected pregnancies. Enter Postpartum Depression. Enter Eating disorders and abuse. Enter addiction and the shit really hit the fan.
So a couple of months ago I arrived at DONE. DONE is that place where you throw up your hands and start making plans to move on. Marriage gets tiring. Without all the extraneous circumstances just living with the same person day after day gets to be a lot. Kids and work, and being laid off. Almost losing your house… those things all factor in. It is hard to see that when you are trying to run away from pain. So when I declared I couldn’t do it anymore I felt a huge burden melt away. I think there is power in publicly acknowledging powerlessness. I also think, for the spouse of a sex addict, there is power in admitting you don’t HAVE to say… that you have every reason to leave and you can if you want.
When I said that I was done it was as though something switched in Garrett. He believed me. He understood I was serious and life couldn’t continue the direction it was going. So now, we are in counseling with a sex addiction specialist. I’ve put down a boundary of 6 months. 6 months I will stay and work recovery as long as I have a partner who will work it with me. 6 months I will push myself to be vulnerable and open. 6 months.
Everyone has their opinions on what we should do. People are telling us to just get divorced, there has been too much damage. People are telling us to stay together for the kids. People are saying to stop talking about it so publicly…. people are saying all kinds of things. Just like the beginning of our marriage, though, the end or the continuation will be what we decide. We will do it our way, like we always have. We’ve got to figure it out ourselves. And we are.
Wishing you the best. It sounds as if neither of you are afraid of hard work so that is half the battle. I really hope you can make it work, but only you two will know when to stop or move forward together. I think everyone else should shut the hell up!
Haha! Thanks Suzanne. I write about it publicly, so people naturally have their input… which is good. I just decide which input works for me. The thing is. I deal with the scars of sex addiction with or without Garrett and I’d rather it be WITH him. Where I am at now, I feel fortified to keep marching forward and still be grounded as a person. Hopefully that lasts. Thanks for reading and your encouragement!
If you stay in the marriage or leave the marriage, just remember the choice is yours. Honestly being responsible for whatever choice you make will be an empowering context to operate from & will give you the freedom to leave the past in the past & pursue the future with (or without) Garrett. Remember, you choose & only YOU know what’s best for YOU.
Thanks for the input Tosh.
Girl I know how frustrating and confusing it can be to know and understand what the right thing for you and your family to do is when everyone around you is shouting their expert opinions (as concerned and loving as they may be-or not)….It took Bertski and I 3 years to shut everyone else’s expectations & opinions out and focus on what worked for us as a couple, individually, and as a family. So on that front, I say GOOD FOR YOU for listening to what your instincts are telling you about doing it your own way. That takes serious strength and vulnerability, as does writing about all of this for the world to read. (HUGS)
I’m proud of you and of Garrett for continuing to work your way through this together, and striving to do what is healthiest for you guys. I’ll be carrying y’all in my heart over the coming months.
We appreciate it SO much Addy! YOU, sister, are the definition of triumph over struggles. I admire you!
Never, never, ever stay together “for the kids”. Unhappy parents are not good parents. At least, that’s what I told myself when I got a divorce, and it seemed to be the truth for me.
I hope the 6 months brings clarity and peace to both of you about whatever decision you make going forward.
Thanks Laurie! We would never stay together just for the kids. We are amazing parents together and a part, so that wouldn’t be a factor. I can’t be a good mom if I am continually unhappy… Me first is the rule. Gotta put on my oxygen mask before I try and save anyone else in the burning plane.
Bravo…You are the most awesome person I know an thank God for your individuality an always being focused on what works for you…that’s one of the reasons why I love you..
Thanks Mom!
I must say that I am thoroughly impressed with your decision to talk about this so publicly. I wish you much peace and I do agree, whatever you choose to do it will be with lots of thought and therefore you cannot go wrong. You are an inspiration!
Thanks! We gotta do what we gotta do.
You were a baby when you got married, but married you are. I think one of the best things you are doing is finding your own way to work it out. I have been happily married for 22+ years and have received more marital advice than you would believe. The only marital advice I ever give is this, “It’s the two of you and no one else, work it out as you see fit.” But you don’t need that advice you figured that out already. Good for you!
Thanks Janeane. I hope to be married for the rest of my… It is hard work, though
Yes!!!!! 22 years later we are still arguing about the same old stuff and it is still hard, worth it, but hard.
You gotta do whatever you gotta do. People always have an opinion, but at the end of the day, no one knows what the inside of your marriage looks like but you. I’ve been divorced a year and a half and I am still getting a lot of “…but he would have done anything for you…” Stand strong and do what you do.
Thanks for the encouragment
Good for the both of you, to do you and block out all the other voices. Who knows what could happen in the next six months and I wish you both all the best on this journey!
Thanks Arelis! We are working hard.
I know you are working hard to save your relationship and good for you! But, if I may add my two cents… please don’t feel like you HAVE to go exactly six months! I only add my extra because I had gave myself a time limit and when that time ran out I was so stubborn and rigid about these rules I had set for myself. Things have turned out much better for me but there are times when I have to allow some flexibility.
Anywho, I am thinking about you and will support you however I can (even though you didn’t call me when you were in town but whatevs…and yes, I made this about me)
*smirks*
-r
Thanks Rachee! I didn’t call because I am an asshole… also, I reached my people limit. I will be in Philly again soon. No worries
My opinion says follow your heart and mind. Time will tell you the path you should follow. i support you no matter what you choose.
Thanks! Your support means so much to me
Marriage is truly hard work. I always tell people don’t believe what you see on TV. Find some people who have been married for at least five years and ask them. I commend you on following your heart and mind. Truth be told it doesn’t matter what any of us think. Just be happy! All the best.
Thanks for the input
Wishing you all the best in the future. I admire your courage and transparency.
thank you
I’m most proud of you for taking the steps to do what you need to do for your family. It takes a strong woman to silence the voices, and while I know these times can be so rough for you, and I know that sometimes you may not feel so strong…you are a rock. I’m praying for you, girl. xoxo
Thanks so much Brandi! YOU having my back means so much!
I wish you all the best. I just said a prayer for you and your family. It will all work out for the best.
Thank you so much!
Thanks for being so transparent and showing us your marriage journey.
You’re braver than I am since my Mother reads my blog and she’d have a fit.
I used the “O” in a story instead of orgasm, and she called me to ask what an “O” was!
It has been a rough journey, but we are figuring it out.
I love that you’re saying to heck what other people think you should do and decided to do what you feel is best for you and your family. Marriage is hard as hell – and when you add in factors like addiction, abuse, depression, oh my! At the end of the day, if you can honestly say you’ve done all you can do and have peace in your heart – then whether you decide to stay or go, it’s your decision to make. I’ve learned to hold my say when it comes to others marriages and their actions, you never know what you will or will not do, will or will not tolerate, how you will or will not react until you are in a specific situation. Hoping the best for you and yours during this journey!
Thanks for the well wishes.