So I vlogged about it. Warning: I say vagina, fried chicken, and dirty talk in the same vlog….
Also.. GO VOTE!
So I vlogged about it. Warning: I say vagina, fried chicken, and dirty talk in the same vlog….
Also.. GO VOTE!
Warning! This post is a mostly true tale about that time I got my period last week. Turn away NOW if you have a queasy stomach… and if you don’t think Captain Picard is the shit. People like you just don’t even deserve to occupy any space on this here Picard lovin’ blog! *You’ve been warned!*
This blog is no stranger to banter about my vagina. Yes. I just wrote that line.
I’ve talked about vagina pain during pregnancy.
Having PCOS and a wonky vagina
and how having a vagina can change the world.
After I wrote the entry about how I was going to have to have all sorts of unsavory things done to the ole’ female gonads, I endeavored to accept that this was what I would have to do. Surgery. Slice and dice ‘em, Doc. I’ll accept it. Furthermore I resigned myself to taking Provera for 10 days out of the year to force my body to shed my uterine lining…. meh meh meh something about avoiding cancer meh meh meh.
I was NOT excited about this prospect. Me and the hormonal birth control/hormonal anything are like rival gangs, except we don’t do drive by shootings… we just cry uncontrollably at Elmo then quickly spin into a rage because OHMYGAWDWHYCAN’TANYONEINTHEWORLDDOANYTHINGRIGHT. Like that time I took the Depo Provera shot and Johnny Depp was all, “we need to schedule an intervention because this bitch is getting emo and WEIRD!”
I know, right?!
So I was all, “sure give me the chemical poison because I am phobic of getting cancer because my brother died from cancer.” *Sidenote* Why in God’s green Earth do doctors insist on “encouraging” their patients to take medication with the whole, “annnd you don’t want to get cancer line.” For reals, y’all. Cannot handle the whole cancer emotional appeal while in the stirrups with my cervix all hanging out! *End Sidenote*
I scheduled the appointment for the pelvic wand of joy so that Dr. Thompson could see my dysfunctional ladies parts and then we’d go from there. Imagine my surprise when I start spotting. This is what ensued:
Me: “Tiny baby Jesus. I don’t pray these days, but I am making an exception for THIS situation. Dear Lord most magnificent, if you PLEASE with your special Jew powers make this spotting NOT be implantation bleeding. I will go back to church. I will stop sympathizing with those atheist heathens and fly right. I’ll even listen to Point of Grace again! Toby Mac? MAC POWELL! Jesus! I swear I will stop using foul language! Okay. Now that is a total lie… but you know I’ll do my best to at least not say that one “F” word around the homeschoolers. It really was only twice without a condom and I swear I will never have sex in the minivan again. That was wrong. So wrong!”
My prayer of “Please Don’t Let This Pregnancy Test Be Positive” rambled on inside my head as I waited for the results. Moments later I read “not pregnant” on the overpriced pee stick.
Phew! My relief shifted the energy in the room. “But wait!” I paused, “If I am not pregnant why am I bleeding?!” I called the OB and he pondered the same query. His answer: “Who knows?! Maybe you are going to finally have a period.”
Pft. Silly being with a penis. THIS uterus doesn’t do periods. Those are so Garden of Eden. I’ve evolved. The doc and I resolved to keep the pelvic ultrasound appointment and go through with mind altering psycho drug… Until the next day.
The next day I woke up with what can only be described as a Quentin Tarantino scene in my delicates. After assessing with the doctor that I did not have an exploded ovary and I was not quickly bleeding to my death, we surmised that I had finally become a woman. I was receiving “The Monthly Visit”. Like some kind of twist of prayer/miracle irony I was now bleeding and no longer in need of Provera. It was as if whole body was all, “Nah. We remember how you were on Provera! Lets go ahead and avoid that with a deluge style menses.”
Have I driven that point home? What I am trying to explain, people, is that I was bewildered, bleeding like a stuck pig, and missing any kind of products that most ladies would use for their time of the month. I quickly showered and took care of hygiene business, then scanned the house for instruments in which to Macgyver something to stop the oh so frightening Nightmare on Elmstreet action that was happening in the yonder parts. No luck. Macgyver was a genius, fashioning bombs out of paper clips, a gum wrapper, and toilet cleaner and I, sadly, could not even harness the power of folded toilet paper. This. was. that. kind of gush.
About the time I resigned myself to lay still and flat on my back until Garrett arrived home to retrieve pads and tampons, I realized I had pads leftover from my birthkit (read: box full of items for homebirth including one GIANT sized pad designed for afterbirth trappings).
I was saved! I made it to the store. Got the necessities and schlepped myself over to spend time with two of my most amazing friends. They looked at me with pity and giggled at my rookie mistake: wearing jeans on the first day of your period. I curled up on the couch with Raspberry tea, and birthday chocolate from my beloved Betony. I shuffled back and forth from the bathroom with whimpers and groans and complained of lower back pain. We painted Henna on Victoria’s belly which holds the 4th member who is bound to appear at any moment.
We talked about how pulling over and having sex on the side of the road is fun- but COULD lead to a pregnancy scare and an awkward pseudo prayer, and we celebrated having a tiny slice time for each other.
Vic and Bet, two of the best people to be around when stuff is falling out of your vagina, loved on me and laughed at me, like the best kind of friends.
And that people, is the story of how I got my period.
I’ve written, extensively, about my struggle with all things “The Body”. Recently I have made a conscious effort to embrace the fact that Jasmine and “my body” are the same person. My circumstances are: I pack on the pounds as a trauma reaction and then the pounds don’t come off very quickly because I have a chronic disease that affects my metabolic process and makes weight loss near impossible. Even if I didn’t have those “legitimate reasons” for having excess weight is would still be hard. Women and their bodies have it rough. Women have it rough. In a world of fat/skinny bashing, stereotyping, and a misogynistic media force, it can be really hard in your own body. We are always being told our bodies are “right” the way they are. So much of what we are told is a narrative based on having someone else’s body, get a BEACH BODY, a GYM BODY, a DANCER BODY a BIKINI BODY.
I get it! No company is going to sell products by encouraging body contentment. In fact they have to create the need (OHMYGAWD WHY DON’T YOU LOOK LIKE JENNIFER HUDSON!) so that you’ll take the bait that their product is JUST.WHAT.YOU.NEED.TO.LOOK.LIKE.JENNIFER.HUDSON!
The world used to honor, mostly, the functional body but even now that isn’t enough. You have to have a Brazilian backside, with inflatable on the front, a twiggy waist, and Keira Knightly legs. I don’t even know what that person looks like.
The “real women have curves” movement was a step in normalizing the anti-runway model body, but then the more lean women were ostracized. Cecily wrote about being in her body the other day and I hear parts of my own inner body voice in what she had to say AND Kristina wrote about how being skinny is complicated and I heard my own inner body voice as well. I hear my story in Kristina’s story because lots of women look at my body and my athletic ability and say, “I wanna be like that.”
Of course I don’t remember that when I am bashing myself. When I am in my head I imagine that mine is the worst of the worst on the body list and no one will even find ‘all dis chubby’ attractive.
Add the fact that my husband had affairs, secretly, for all five years of our marriage and THIS lady’s self esteem is quickly spiraling into, “at least the cookies love me” zone.
I’ve defined myself by an arbitrary number on the scale for too long.
But lately I have been fighting back! If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook then you’ve seen many check-in status updates to the gym. I’ve started going to the gym 3-4 days a week and doing functional fitness around the house the other days. I’ve created goals for myself that focus on fitness and not the scale. For example: I created a fitness bucket list awhile ago. This list is a way for me to feel like I am accomplishing my goals AND it helps me keep fitness fun. I get to try new experiences, which I totally love (usually).
I’ve purchased a cool pair of running shorts. These running shorts CURRENTLY look like booty shorts, but I expect as I keep a healthy level of activity and body movement the fit will start to change.
I am working very hard to stop focusing on what I don’t like and start realizing and focusing on what I love. I am a friggin’ talented Zumba instructor, I can run a 5K, I am VERY strong, also… have I mentioned that I happen to be an exceptionally beautiful woman? I totally am.
Do you have a fitness bucket list? If so what is on it? If not, what would you put on it? If you are interested in changing your body/fitness level, what NON-scale goals do you use to encourage and empower yourself?
I arrived home from AWBU with a prompt case of ” You are dying from an unknown something”.
Don’t laugh. I am not a hypochondriac.
I didn’t feel very well at AWBU and I knew I needed to go see a doctor. My uterus was painin’ me and I knew I needed A LADY doctor STAT.
The last time I felt this horrid I was rushed into surgery and two doctors drilled holes into my ovaries to keep them from exploding. YES! Exploding. My ovaries are all, “go big or go home, y’all.” (yes. I have Southern ovaries… I hear people with West Coast ovaries are super chill and enjoy avocado smoothies)
I have PCOS. Polycstic Ovarian Syndrome, if you’re nasty. PCOS is an evil bitch that makes my life hard, conception confusing, menses non-existent, carb cravings constant, and hormones chronically unstable. For the last two weeks I have had constant hormone headaches, a lower back ache that feels like I am carrying a baby, uterine cramping, and a 99.8 degree fever.
My beloved OB/GYN who has managed my health issues with me since I moved to Arkansas got tired of Arkansas and hightailed it back to California, so I had to schedule an appointment with his predecessor. I was not very happy about this since:
1) I am considered a very rare medical case and some doctors just think I am crazy
2) All the new doctors usually are all, “hey… stop being fat and that will fix everything (which isn’t true AT ALL) or
3) HOLY HELL you are super interesting lets run all these tests on you you’ve had done over and over your whole life only to get the results you told us we would get!
So I made my appointment reluctantly with the new OB/GYN, arrived at my scheduled time, took my pants off, and had an hour long conversation with a total stranger whilest pant-less. Dr. Thompson was super awesome! He looked at me from the corner of his eye first and asked me questions like, “Jasmine… you don’t have a period- yet you had children.” “Mmhmmm…” I answered. I was tempted to tell him I went to a church and danced with snakes and through my faith healing the venom helped me conceive, but I was in too much pain to be THAT funny. “Yep. Three kids,” I answered and continued, ”No period. Anovulation since age 12 Laparoscopy drilled right ovary with cauterization. High levels of estrogen, low levels of progesterone, high levels of DHT, stable blood sugar- clean Hemo A1C, low blood pressure, typical gestational size of newborns birthed, hirsutism, excellent cardio health, excellent thyroid, chronic depression perpetuated by low B vitamins and vitamin D deficiency, and no cholesterol issues.” Dr. Thompson was puzzled, as I assumed he would be.
So we took a urine and blood pregnancy test. Negative
So we checked for infection. Negative
Then Dr. Thompson did the whole check out my uterus with your hands and a quick looky lou of the cervix.
“Bad news, Jasmine.”
“Looks like you need to come back in for a pelvic ultrasound. We need to start thinking about ways to get you to menstruate or we risk cancer (again). The tenderness in your uterus and the pain are most likely caused by lack of menstruation and/or fibroids. I am suspecting endometriosis as well. We need to check out your ovaries too because they are unusually swollen, and I imagine painful. Until we can do surgery I can prescribe a muscle relaxer and some meds to make you menstruate for 10 days or so.”
So I am laying in bed with a uterus that hates me. I am extra emotional (read: hormonal) and I am facing the very real prospect of surgery. I schlepped myself out of bed yesterday to go run at the gym for the sake of my mental health… but I am feeling very puny.
I need a massage, a pound of chocolate, and a new uterus.