The other day I got a call from a friend. She said, “Hey Jasmine, I have a confession for your Bad Mommy Monday. You ready? Here you go….”

I braced myself and she continued, ” You are a bad mommy when you tell your kids NOT to open the package that is coming in the mail today because it is a Christmas present….when it is really just your new sex toy!”

I almost dropped the phone and died with laughter. I can’t top that. Ever.

Can you?

Happy Monday Readers!

I am back! And alive! Thanks for all the well wishes and emails.

Leave it to me to make my first blog post after a long sabbatical to be about  guns, masturbation, and nose bogeys. Alas, I am me…

Since Sadie admitted that Norah has pica (I kid) I decided that I should talk about Isaiah’s amazing new (and some old) habits. Vanessa, a good friend of mine, always talks about boys and the things that they instinctively pick up. When Isaiah, who is two years old, started picking up sticks (to destroy monkeys and enemies) and using them as pretend guns, I would gasp, “WHO taught him to be violent! WHO taught him about guns. We don’t let him watch war movies…why is he army crawling!!! ” I am anti-gun. I HATE them… as a result of a traumatic childhood experience. When Isaiah started this I attempted to redirect it. “Isaiah lets hug, not shoot.” My best attempts were thwarted. He just kept pretending to shoot things. Vanessa explained, (loosely translated)” Something about them switches on and they have to hunt and protect and all that jazz.” So now, my precious two year old son runs around the house pointing curling irons screaming, “BLAM BLAM DIE MONKEY!!!” Sometimes I play dead. Other times I snarl, “DO NOT point guns at people- even pretend curling iron guns…GAWWW!” It is like a boyhood involuntary spasm! Something DID just “click” and he decided I was a gatherer and he was a hunter.

Isaiah also went through a stage where he dominated all of his stuffed animals. When I say “dominated” I mean, “Isaiah humped his stuffed animals and the rugs like there was no tomorrow.” No one taught him. Through exploration he just decided, “OH! Mommy has company, I should show them what my body does when I hump this stuffed lamb!” “Ohhhh! Is that high pile carpet? *OFF GOES THE DIAPER*. Let me show you what to do with this…”  Thankfully we have a great set of friends who just laughed off Isaiah’s “habit.”

One other boyhood involuntary spasm that has amazed me has been the action his nose has been getting. How do kids learn to eat their boogers (is that how you spell it?)? I remember the first time Isaiah did the deed. I looked in the rear-view mirror and his knuckle had disappeared into his brain. He gingerly pulled his finger out only to plunge it into his mouth. He clapped and giggled as I tried not to veer off the road from the intense gagging I was doing. “Who taught you that Isaiah?” How did he learn to eat his nose crusty? SICK!! SICK! SIIIIIIICK! Again… something just clicked and he decided he knew how to do this. Since he knew how, he obviously should. Thankfully Dr. Oz  *YES! I learn how to parent from my favorite TV personalities *  says that picking your nose is fine. The only problem is that it can damage the mucus membranes. I think he will survive. Sadly, me and my weak gag reflex might not.

I love these things about kids.  I love that just like a heart beats involuntarily, there are things that little boys and girls do without prompting. It makes me excited to imagine if we have a girl, (the doctor says ultrasound shows 70% girl) what she will do. 

♥ Jasmine

Ever wonder what kind of conversations Sadie and I have?

J: I had a dream I had sex with you the other day. I was worried about you and I think that my psyche decided that having sex with you would make you feel better.

S: Well that is kinky….

J: Stupid pregnancy hormones.

S: Well whatever… you are the one who has dreams about having sex with Twilight characters.

J Is your post about leg braces or mouth braces. I am leaving an inappropriate comment.

S: Mouth braces. I guess I should have been more clear about that. I don’t even remember what I wrote.

J: Oh. Well it was clear, I just can’t read.

J: Maybe I won’t post the comment. I was going to jokingly comment  something about how your post reminded me of the time we tried to fit you with that strap-on…

S: Oh my God! My grandma reads that blog!

J: Should be interesting then…..

(Isaiah talking to our dog, Noelle)

Isaiah: “Hey Nell! Mommy has baby penis.”

Jasmine: “No son, Mommy has a baby in her belly, in my uterus…girls don’t have penis. Well most girls.”

Isaiah: “Zayah penis!”

Jasmine: “Yes! YOU have a penis because you are a boy, women have a vulva and a vagina. The baby is growing in my uterus… can you say vulva?”

Isaiah: (weakly attempts  to pronounce vulva…sounding a lot like “Bulba”.

(Isaiah looks at Noelle and slaps her on the head) Isaiah: “BAD! Bulba!!!”